I’m an interesting mix. Spending all of my 20’s in Europe had some of my adult habits be more European then American.
Recently I’ve been thrown back into the dating marketing. Last time I was single in the US, I was in Bozeman, Montana, where there aren’t tons of single people. I moved to Phoenix and planned to stay here only 3 months (even booked a ticket to leave) and I was stopped (thankfully) by love. It was unexpected, and no dating was involved.
It feels to me, for the first time since I was 19, I am dating in the United States again.
Since I’ve hit 30 I could tell my sex drive is way different then it was before. Us women do have an increased sex drive in our 30’s and 40’s compared to our sex drive in younger ages. While I have declared that I am not going to be in a committed relationship until February, 2017, I definitely don’t want to be celibate for a year.
I talk to my friends (both male and female) about sex, and I’m starting to see that Americans have a much different view then me.
I love my sexual freedom. I’m glad that I can meet amazing people that I’m attracted to, and have a great time, love them for who they are and who they aren’t, and know that just because we enjoy sex with each other doesn’t mean we need to fall in love, will fall in love, or are even a good match for each other as life partners.
If you are interested in upping your freedom around sex, here is how to enjoy sex like a European.
Don’t Giggle At Sex
This shocks me every time. You mention sex in a room of adults, and people start snickering. Why? We all do it, most of us really really enjoy it, and it is a fun time. It would be like giggles popped up each time alcohol was mentioned. It doesn’t make sense to me!
I remember walking into a adult toy shop in Bozeman, Montana with some girlfriends. I started walking around looking at the products, and my girlfriend said to me “I’m shocked how comfortable you are here.”
I was confused. In the Czech Republic, these shops are like Starbucks, on every corner, so it would be weird if I hadn’t been in one before. I didn’t really get why my friends were snickering so much. I bought what I needed to buy and left.
Just the other day I walked into my girlfriend’s house, and found her in her bedroom. Beth had a sports bra on, was half way under her sheets, and was Skyping with her boyfriend, Tom, who was out of town.
Beth said, “Hilary! Come say hi to Tom.”
I walk over and said “Hi Tom!”, smiling and waiving at Beth’s phone.
“Hi Hilary!” Tom replied with a big grin on his face. “Don’t worry, Beth isn’t doing what you think she is doing. Really. Hope this isn’t awkward or uncomfortable for you.” I started laughing.
“Dude, did you forget I’m European? This is nothing! I remember a friend of my in Czech having loud sex in the tent right next to us camping with a girl who was NOT his girlfriend.” I smiled and shook my head and left them to do their thing. I was surprised Beth didn’t tell me to give her a minute when I knocked on her door!
Lovers / Friends With Benefits Isn’t A Bad Thing
Look, sometimes it is fun to have someone you can fool around with. You may only like them as a friend, but they are also really hot. Or maybe you don’t know them very well and neither of you have that much time nor interest in pursuing a relationship.
Why not have some fun in the mean time? Just be clear – Hey, we aren’t committed. I’m going to hang out with other guys, maybe kiss other guys, maybe do more with other guys. Guess what though? You can do that with other chicks. How cool is that?
Ask For Sex Instead of Hinting At It
Ok, now, I would give this advice to American men, but truthfully, I think a lot of American women would get freaked out if you were completely straight with them and asked for sex. On the other hand, they may appreciate your frankness. In any case, I think being direct is better then these obvious fishing statements.
Women, we have the upper hand. If you are confident about your sexuality and follow these steps, you can just say “no” when they ask for sex, or you can ask them if they are interested. Be straight. It is rewarding.
I’ve had the opportunity lately to hang out Drake. Drake has blond crew cut hair, gorgeous green eyes, and a smile to die for. Not only that, we get along really well and I learn new things from him all the time.
We started off kinda hanging out, going on a hike and to the movies. He never made a move on me, which I thought was a little weird because it seemed like we were doing dating things and enjoying each other.
We have hung out a couple of days in a row, and its Saturday night. I’m at his place, which usually is a good sign that something fun is going to happen. We are sitting on the couch watching some YouTube videos he is showing me. Our legs touch. We let them linger there awhile. I start thinking “maybe this is it!” And then he pulls away.
Ok, no biggie. We are talking, hanging, and I notice he starts to slowly move away from me. Not in an obvious way at all, a slight shift here, stands up to get something and sits down a tad further there.
Within an hour he is as far away from me as he can be while still in the living room, sitting on the couch corner completely diagonal to me. We are still talking, and he starts bringing up that he doesn’t want a girlfriend.
“You know, its tough because I still want to be satisfied sexually, but I really don’t want a relationship right now,” Drake says to me, leaning back into the corner couch and lifting his legs up on the other end, and stretching out along the couch. He started looking into the kitchen instead of facing me. I had no idea where he was going with this, we hadn’t even kissed yet. I was dying for a kiss too.
“Some people like to swing, is that your thing?” I ask him. I have a few friends who have open relationships. I get it. And at the same time I’m so not interested in an open relationship with a partner. Just not my thing.
“No no, that isn’t my thing. I just don’t want to have a girlfriend. And I don’t want to go to bars and have one night stands or look for chicks, that’s just not my thing and I really don’t have time. Yet I at the same time I don’t want to be complete celibate.”
I leaned towards him, with a bit of dramatic anger. I hate it when guys complain about being horny when I’m peaking and they are coasting.
“Oh no, don’t even start dude. I’m 33, I’m at my sexual peak. You guys reached it at 18. I’m basically a horny 18 year old boy running around, you have no idea. No idea!”
“See, it’s tough. Sex complicates things so much, and I just don’t want to date or have a girlfriend…” he was starring off into the kitchen again.
Now I was confused. “Well, what do you think we are doing?” I asked. That grabbed Drake’s attention. He looked straight at me.
“I dunno, what do YOU think we are doing?” he asks back at me. I laughed a bit.
“Well, I wouldn’t be here if I had a boyfriend,” I told him, smiling.
“Same with me. Its just a bummer sex complicates things so much.”
“Why is sex so complicated for you men?” I asked him. “You are the second guy to say that to me. It’s just sex. Its fun, it doesn’t have to complicate things.”
Now Drake is sitting up and leaning towards me.
“Really?” he asked me.
“Yeah,” I said and sipped some of my tea. “Why does it have to complicate anything? As long as you are clear what you want out of it and that you agree, why does it matter?”
“I really just don’t want a girlfriend. I’m working on myself, my health, and my business.” Drake said, looking at me. I smile and think to myself This guy is just too perfect.
“Drake, those are my same goals, in the exact order. I’m not looking for anything specific. I don’t know what is going to happen, I just want to have fun. I like you, I’m attracted to you, I’m in no position for a relationship right now either.
Drake stood up, and started walking towards me.
Then I started babbling, butterflies start rising up in my stomach and before I knew it, I’m holding my cup of tea like it will protect me from something I’d been excited about for days! Drake sat down next to me and our eyes just lock.
“Really,” I said, shrugging. “Its up to you if you think it will complicate things. I’m fine either way.” I take another sip of tea, making sure my cup stays between me and him (see, I can be silly too.)
Drake took my cup, set it down on the coffee table, grabbed the back of my head, and pulled me in for a kiss.
We probably could have saved a couple of hours if he just kissed me and talked to me. And I love sharing this story.
The story with my friend in Australia that I’m planning on visiting in January is much simpler.
“Do you want to have sex while you are visiting?” he asked me.
I love the directness of other nations. I also love the dance men do around sex here in America, as if I will melt if they are too direct with me. Now Drake and I have an amazing agreement, hang out when we can, and have an amazing time when we do, without any pressures of a relationship. How fun is that?
Sex Doesn’t Complicate Relationships
I can name tons of relationships I have that are complicated and I would never in a million years have sex with that person. Sex doesn’t have to complicate anything. Just be clear. What do you want? What don’t you want? What are your expectations? Do you agree? Talk about it.
Yes, if you are hinting to your sexual partner that you want a relationship and you don’t, that is lame. Don’t do that. Be clear in the beginning.
Also, be safe. Use protection, and if you don’t want kids, use birth control too. Consequences of sex can complicate things. Sex itself doesn’t have to.
Don’t Get Easily Offended
Lately, I have taken on asking men out directly. I don’t like wondering if they like me or don’t like me, if that means they are interested or not.
It may be weird for guys to hear a girl ask them out, especially since men don’t seem to ask women out much here themselves.
I asked one guy recently if he wanted to go on a date. Granted, I had a long winded sentence and I was nervous, but I did use the words “date” and “would you go out with me” in the same sentence after I called him attractive and told him I wanted to get to know him more. It took him awhile to figure out that I was asking him out in a romantic way. Must mean I need more practice!
When he said no, I wasn’t offended. It was actually relieving. Now I know he just wants to be friends and doesn’t think of me in that way.
The same goes with sex If someone doesn’t want to have sex with you, then don’t be offended! You have no idea why and it really is none of your business why. People change their minds for different reasons and timing is everything. You never know why someone wanted sex one day, and the next didn’t. Don’t worry about it! There is somebody out there for you. Go find them.
Be Comfortable Being In Your Body
This is another thing that I don’t get. In Czech Republic and Sweden, we had no shower curtains or stalls at the gym. You walked around naked and showered naked.
People of all shape and sizes wear bikinis and speedos. Nobody tries to hide their body with a bathing suit (by the way, if you do try to hide your body with a bathing suit, it doesn’t work!)
Usually after sex, I don’t get dressed right away. I’m not a naked person, like I don’t love love love to be naked. I also don’t mind to be naked or to have people see my body.
Yes, it is easier to walk around naked when I’m at my ideal shape. I also live in Arizona, I’m going to walk around naked even if may shape is not ideal. Who cares?! We all have different bodies, embrace them.
Enjoy Sex! Ask For What You Want! Play!
This may or may not be a European thing, but I love sex. I love asking for what I want, I love pleasing my lover, and I love playing. Sex is something we all do and want to do. Most of us love having orgasms.
If you don’t really enjoy sex, I recommend exploring your reasoning. Research has shown that sex has many health benefits. I have an auto-immune disease, I do anything and everything for my health.
It is so easy for me to quickly get into the thinking, “Hilary, you aren’t supposed to love sex this much. You aren’t supposed to want to have sex outside of a relationship.” I’ve stopped listening to that little voice in my head for awhile, and it may come up here and there, and I say “Thank you for sharing” and continue on my way.
Our society has trained women to think this way. Psychology today has a great quote on an article about women who have no sexual libido.
Part of the issue involves women’s socialization. Society accepts men’s lust as “vigorous” and “studly,” but disparages lusty women as “tramps” and “sluts.” In addition, women are raised to focus not on their own desire, but on appearing desirable to men.
It is easy to think that guys won’t like me because I enjoy sex, or that nobody will marry me because I enjoy sex. Which sounds so silly as I write it.
So I say, enjoy yourself! Have fun! Play and explore with yourself and with partners. And as always, be safe. Use contraception and protection, and be in communication with your sex partner about your commitments to each other.
What are your thoughts?
Are your European or American? Do you agree with my observations or am I making everything up? Let me know in the comments below!